Well it seems a lifetime since I was cycling in Australia. The heat is definitely a distant memory. One reason for the February/ March antipodean jaunt was to escape the wet and cold with the plan to return to a promising spring. That went well as a plan didn’t it!
So finding tasks indoors was a priority and hence the essential activity of Swedish Death Cleaning. This is not a Scandinavian metal rock band but a delightfully named task where you sort through accumulated possessions (lurking, in my case, in the garage) to dispose of them thus eliminating a chore for your children when you depart this mortal coil. My stuff was mainly paper based and included my father’s 1980s photograph albums of his trips to The Far East and South America. The tough reality is that these badly photographed streets, buildings and monuments taken with a mediocre instamatic camera are of no interest other than to himself and he’s not been around for 35 years.

When not in the garage I commissioned a new iMac. The old one was operational but was no longer supported by Apple and couldn’t accommodate various Apps. Sadly IT has a built in obsolescence that I had to acknowledge after 13 years. I got the new machine up and running and, importantly, talking to the external hard drives, optical disk reader and printer. Some ‘help chat lines’ were used and I ‘got there’ in the end with a minimum of foul language and tears. which in my case was an unexpected and pleasant development for the other resident of the property. One amusing anecdote was my attempting to resolve a software problem with Microsoft Office. My helpful contact, Abimbola, was very attentive and we spent nearly three hours going backward and forward on a chat line attempting to eliminate this glitch. Given all the dead time that such a dialogue entails I Google’d his name to discover it was Nigerian. When he asked for permission to ‘enter’ my iMac to scroll through the screens I did have a vision of this developing into a surprise scenario where he actually was a Prince and I could become the lucky recipient of an inheritance of $3million should I simply make a small administration fee payment!

The presents Mrs Ives has been industrious in compiling family trees using Ancestry.com from both sides of the lineage. The further you go back the more surprising it is and some of the stories are worthy of a boxset. One relative did prison time after being involved with organised crime involving drugs in Australia. I remember him and suspected there was more to his career than met the eye but to find documents on the internet outlining the whole dodgy structure and his rôle within it was a shock. On Ancestry.com you can have your DNA analysed. Under instruction from the females of the Ives family I duly spat into a tube and awaited for its return. I have written about this earlier. However, one facility on the website is for others, via the DNA profile to see if there are any other matches out there…. we received an email.
This Leeds lady had a suspicion that her mother had had a dalliance during WW2 when her husband was away defeating Hitler. She was the result. The dalliance was with one of my uncles. Needless to say I remember him as a dutiful father with two daughters, which may have been as this birth came about when he was single although his paramour wasn’t! If all this wasn’t enough excitement for Anna then she’s now following up some of these discoveries and I’m meeting cousins. Some I haven’t seen for 50 years and another who I have no recollection of having ever met!

My mother was the youngest of six children; the second youngest was Jack. He had two children, Jonathan and Alison. We met them in deepest Essex and it was wonderful. In fact most of my memories of aunts and uncles are ancient or virtually non existent but I well remember Jack and his wife Barbara. There was a lot to catch up on. Worryingly Anna has other appointments in the diary…
Anna was similarly unhappy at the weather (and even more unhappy that I’d escaped it for a month Down Under) so a few days was organised in Madeira: my first visit. It was certainly a cut above the Canary Islands albeit more congested and literally mountainous anywhere away from the promenade in Funchal. The island is beautifully maintained and there is a great selection of restaurants, bars and sights. We had a splendid time including a night watching Leeds United at an Irish bar where the full set of emotions were experienced. I truly can’t wait for the football season to finish so that the torture is over until August.






Lastly, on our fairly upmarket housing estate the Police have raided a house that was a cannabis farm! The only drug problem in our sleepy retirement village, I thought, is whether the local surgery can process all the prescriptions for the pensioners who abound here. Apparently the house, at the far end of our estate I hasten to add, was rented out. Reports are that the house was adapted inside for the cultivation with all sorts of vents and hoses installed to facilitate the growing of the popular weed. Apparently the renters/farmers had departed by the time the local constabulary visited (quelle surprise.) The house was let through a (useless) Letting Agent, who obviously took their monthly 10% but never visited the property during the occupancy. The owner will have to spend thousands to restore the house to something habitable and pick up an enormous unpaid electricity bill.



